What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
