I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize