Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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