The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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