if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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