Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
