phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
