hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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