Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
