If that was your dad, he is hot
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
