That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
