yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
