i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
