he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
