you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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