Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
