so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
