Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize