im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
