i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
