hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Im part way to drunk.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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