You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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