No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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