Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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