I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
