your parents love me but you hate me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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