Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i dont even know how to be here
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Vodka?
Forever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
