I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
