its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
