You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize