Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
