i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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