A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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