I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
