My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
