i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
