I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
