My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
