Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
