If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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