I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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