but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
