Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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