Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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