i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
