Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
