I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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