and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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