Where is the hickey?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
ttyl tear gas
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
