Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
