I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
