Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
whose ass print is on the piano?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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