My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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