when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
my poor anus
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
