took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
