I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
