Pants 0. Shit 1.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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