no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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