why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
