I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize